The Ultra Badass Slam consists of the four ultramarathons listed below completed in the same year without crews, pacers, or drop bags (except for Badwater, which requires a crew). You may use normal aid stations.
All finishers will receive a genuine fake rock made of the finest concrete, beautifully engraved on high quality duct tape, proudly extolling your accomplishment. This treasured prize will be awarded in an elaborate ceremony at Wickham Park in the following year.
"Ultra Badass Slam Finisher" Award
The 100 mile race in Frozen Head State Park TN in late March or early April consists of 5 20-mile loops with 10,400 ft. of climb per loop. There is no aid, no course markings, and often no trail with long climbs of 50% grade or more. When there is trail, it is not maintained, with frequent deadfall, mud, and sawbriers. The cutoff is 60 hours with a historical finish rate of 1% and a course record of 55:42. To prove you completed each lap, you must find 9 to 11 books in the woods marked on your map and bring back a page from each book. No pacers are allowed. Runners must alternate directions on the last lap. Weather: fog, rain, wind, sleet, and snow are common.
Note: the 60 mile "fun run" does not count as a finish for the Slam. No crews are allowed for the Slam. You have to resupply after each loop with no help from others.
Entry is limited to 35 runners. Entry opens Dec. 26 and normally fills that day. The exact date of the race will not be revealed until your entry is confirmed. Starting time will be announced by bugle one hour before the start. Entry is by invitation. Qualifications: write an essay on "Why I Should Be Allowed To Run The Barkley". Entry fee: $1.60 plus a license plate from your home state. There is no official website but some photos and history can be found here. For entry information, contact: Idiot, 233 Union Ridge, War Trace TN 37183.
The 200 mile race in Melbourne FL on Memorial Day weekend consists of 4 stages of 50 miles with a 12:30 cutoff each day. Course: a 3.75 mile mostly flat trail loop poorly marked with arrows drawn with flour. Expect soft sand, bushwacking, bad footing, snakes, and gators. No aid except water. No pacers. Weather: 90's F with dewpoints in the 70's with intense sun and possible afternoon thunderstorms. Historical finish rate: 10% for stage 1, 2% for stage 2, 1% for all 4 stages. Entry: day of race only. No fee. For the slam, no crew is allowed. Website.
The 100 mile race in Silverton CO in early-mid July has 33,000 ft. of climb at an altitude of 7700 to 14,048 ft with 11 mountain passes above 12,000 ft. Cutoff is 48 hours. Terrain is mostly trail, scree, snow, and tundra with many river crossings. Parts of the course are climbed with ropes on scree or snow at a 45 degree slope. Some night sections traverse the edges of cliffs dropping hundreds of feet. Altitude sickness and pulmonary edema are common among competitors. Weather: 15 F to 85 F with afternoon hailstorms and lightning possible. For the Slam, you must complete the race with no crew, pacer, or drop bags, even though these are normally allowed.
Entry is by lottery. Runners must qualify by finishing one of several mountainous 100 mile qualifying races such as Leadville or Western States. Website.
For the Slam, you must complete the traditional 146 mile route from the lowest point in the continental U.S at Badwater, Death Valley CA (-282 ft), to the highest, at the summit of Mt. Whitney (14,494 ft). The official finish is at Whitney Portals at mile 135 and 8,000 ft with a 48 hour cutoff. For the Slam, you must also reach the summit in 60 hours. Weather: over 120 F with intense sun in Death Valley, to below freezing on Whitney. The official route is on paved roads, then groomed trail to the summit. The race is usually held just a few days after Hardrock. For the Slam, no pacers are allowed.
Runners must qualify and have a crew with 2 vehicles. In addition, you need a permit to climb Whitney. Permits are popular and often are taken 6 months in advance. If you delay, your only option may be to climb the less popular, class 3 Mountaineer's route. Website. When submitting Slam results, include the name and contact information of a crew member or witness who can verify you reached the summit. Your witness can meet you on the summit but cannot pace or meet you between the trailhead and summit.
Entry to the Badass Slam must be received (not just postmarked) by Apr. 1 of the year you run it. Entry fee is $79.99 (cash only), a real bargain compared to some other slams. Send entries to I. M. Stu Pid, 415 Rutgers Ave., Melbourne FL 32901.
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ULTRA BADASS SLAM ENTRY FORM
Name ___________________________________________________________________
Address ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Phone _____________ Email ___________________________________________
Date of birth ___________ City and state of birth _____________________
Driver's license number _____________________ State ____________________
Social Security Number ___________ Mother's maiden name ________________
Credit card number __________________________ Expires _________________
Checking account routing no. _______________ Account no. _______________
List all online banks and financial services: website, user name,
password, and amount on deposit.
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Check if you are interested in:
[ ] Herbal v1agra.
[ ] Pictures of my sister who is barely 18.
[ ] Helping the poor widow of a deposed African dictator move a large
sum of money out of the country.
[ ] Cheap softwarez.
FINE PRINT: I realize that I am a complete moron for entering
the Badass Slam. My chances of finishing aren't worth a gnat's ass on a
dung heap. I would be better off if I flushed my money down the commode
than send it to you. After my DNF I promise to slink away in humiliation
and not dare show my face in public ever again.
Signature _________________________________________ Date ______________